Finding your calm center in a crazy world

I used to know a woman who would say, “I know there’s a balance. I see it every time I swing past.”

An essential part of creating conditions in our lives to flourish, is being able to spend most of our time in neutral emotions. We want to find that balance and stay there instead of swinging past center.

Having neutral emotions doesn’t mean you feel bored or bland. Instead think, balanced, centered, grounded, peaceful, harmonious, calm, and relaxed.

Being in these neutral states means we’re not bogged down by negativity and we’re open to more positive emotions.

With last week’s article about how to break a negative thought pattern, I felt confident in what I shared. I’ve actually dealt with negative thought spirals and found a way through.

On the topic of centering or neutral emotions, I don’t feel nearly so confident.

I’m not a naturally calm person. 

I am working on becoming more calm, centered and grounded in my life, but I’m far from achieving these states on a regular basis. I’m learning all of this right along with you.

Knowing what is in our control and what is out of our control

I’ve been reading The Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday and came across these two quotes:

“Keep this thought at the ready at daybreak, and through the day and night – there is only one path to happiness, and that is in giving up all outside of your sphere of choice, regarding nothing else as your possession, surrendering all else to God and Fortune.” – Epictetus, Discourses, 4.4.39

“We control our reasoned choice and all acts that depend on that moral will. What’s not under our control are the body and any of its parts, our possessions, parents, siblings, children or country – anything with which we might associate.” – Epictetus, Discourses, 1.22.10

As Ryan Holiday points out, we have just one circle of control: our choices, our will and our mind.

Whenever we try to control (or worry) about something outside of that circle, we will be out of center and off-balance.

In the same way, if we are not controlling the few things in our circle of control – our choices, our will and our mind – we will also be out of balance and won’t be able to experience peace.

A very large part of coming into these neutral states is to become conscious and aware of our own selves, including why we do the things we do and think the things we think.

How to handle worry

Sometimes it can be very hard to shake worry from our lives, but when we’re worrying over things that our out of our control, we’re definitely not in a place of balance or harmony.

Moving beyond worry is easier said than done!

One idea to try is to challenge those worrying thoughts. Is there any evidence to show that what you’re worrying over will come to pass?

A lot of times the answer will be no. In that case, let the worrying thought pass through your mind like a dark cloud in a clearing sky.

If the answer is yes, there is evidence that the thing we’re worrying over will come to pass (or already has), then ask if there’s anything you can do to improve the situation.

If yes, then take action.

If no, then remind yourself that you’re a resilient human and will be able to handle the situation. Then let that worry go.

Again, much easier said than done, but with practice it becomes possible to move beyond  worry.

My Story

For over a year, we’ve had a situation in our family that is extremely concerning. I don’t feel free to go into details now, but I will say it’s a potentially dangerous situation.

There have been several times in the past few months when we’ve thought we were free of this danger, but then it rears it’s head again.

When worries over this situation come to my mind and I challenge them, asking if there’s evidence that the worry will come to pass, that answer is yes. And there is no action that I can take to change that.

I’m sharing this just to let you know that if you’re also dealing with some type of very worrying situation, I understand. I do believe that even in the midst of difficult times, we can find a peaceful center within ourselves, but it takes intention and practice.

My goal with Flourish 52 is to learn to flourish, despite the external circumstances in my life.

Practices for Centering Yourself

Creating a daily practice of some kind is very helpful in learning to center ourselves when things get tough in life.

I’ve found some of the things on the list below to be very helpful to me. During the practice, it can often feel boring or pointless. The value comes through in daily life as I find I’m less reactive and emotional to things that come up and more able to find a grounded, centered feeling within myself.

Here are a list of things you might want to try as daily practice:

• Meditation – train your brain not to follow every thought that flits through
• Prayer – focus on finding stillness instead of praying for certain things
• Standing practice – Stand like a tree
• Deep breathing or box breathing (breath in for four counts, hold for four counts, exhale four counts, hold four counts etc.)
• Yoga

Quick fixes for when you’re feeling out of center or anxious

When you find that you need to bring yourself into a better balance quickly, here are a few things to try.

Remember that negative emotions, including anxiety will happen and they will pass. You are not your emotions. Try observing the emotion as it moves through you as clouds move across the sky.

• Close your eyes and box breathe, as described above.
• Place one hand on the top of your head and take a deep breath.
• Place one hand on your belly and take a deep breath.
• Take a walk outside.
• Get moving with a fast walk or even shaking your arms, legs and whole body. Then slow it down and breath deeply.
• Try a slow and tactile craft like knitting or crochet. Last winter I did so much collaging. There was something about gluing one piece of paper to another that felt calming to me.

What works for you?

I would love to know what works for you as you try to center yourself and find balance, harmony, and peace. Did you resonate with anything I’ve shared here or do you have another practice you’d like to share?

Leave a comment below and let me know.

Next week we’ll talk about fostering positive emotions.