Last week I shared the PERMA(H) model for flourishing:
P – Positive emotions, like hope, joy, love, etc.
E – Engagement with the the world, work or hobbies
R – Relationships that are deep and meaningful
M – Meaning; finding purpose and meaning in life
A – Accomplishments; achieving goals through cultivating strengths and talents
H – Physical health
Emotions are energy moving through the body.
We all want to experience more positive emotional energy like joy, happiness, love, hope, etc.
We’d like to avoid negative emotional energy like fear, anger, sadness, hate etc.
We also have neutral emotions. Neutral doesn’t mean bored or bland. Instead, think, balanced, centered, grounded, peaceful, harmonious, calm, and relaxed.
In the coming weeks, we’ll talk about how to bring ourselves to a calm, centered place and also how to increase positive emotions.
In this article, we’ll tackle controlling negative emotions.
In order to experience positive or neutral emotions, we have to make space for them. I don’t know about you, but there have been times in my life where the negative emotions have taken up nearly all the space in my head and heart.
During one dark season of my life many years ago, I realized I’d fallen into a terribly negative pattern. I complained a lot. My thoughts were always clouded by a stream of negative self-talk and negative views on everything.
Here’s how I escaped that negative thought pattern that was taking over my life.
While reading the newspaper (yes, an old-style paper version) at the kitchen table, I happened upon an article about a church that was doing a “complaining bracelet challenge”.
The idea was to wear a bracelet and each time you complained, you moved it to the other wrist, with the goal of going 28 days in a row without complaining.
I decided to take up this challenge for myself. It took me nearly many months to hit the 28 day goal!
Because I struggled so much with negative thoughts and negative self-talk, after several weeks I started moving my bracelet to the other wrist for thoughts or complaints in my head.
Over the course of those months, I learned to calm the negative thought spiral.
I learned to state negative things that happened as just facts, instead of descending into griping and complaining. “I spilled the milk,” rather than, “This stupid container splashes everytime I try to pour it. I hate this thing. Now I have to clean the counter and the floor….”
I wasn’t trying to turn the negative thoughts into positive ones. Instead, I just noticed the negative thoughts and turned my attention away from them.
It took a long while, because I was in such a detrimental pattern, but eventually I broke free.
As I worked to clear negative thoughts and emotions out, more space opened for positive and neutral emotions.
I felt more calm, more happy and no doubt, I was more pleasant to be around. Even I liked being around me more!
After breaking free of the worst of the negative thought spiral, things really began to change for the better in my life. We made a move that proved to be good for me and for our kids too. I started writing online and ultimately started Eat at Home.
I’m sure those things couldn’t have happened had I not broken free of the negative thoughts, the complaining attitude and the negative view of myself.
To break down this method of getting yourself out of a negative thought pattern:
- Begin to notice your thoughts and each time they turn negative, turn your attention away from the thoughts.
- Notice when you complain out loud and practice stopping in mid-complaint, if possible.
- Find a way to remind yourself and track your progress. There’s nothing magical about wearing a bracelet or aiming for 28 days without complaining. If another reminder or goal works better for you, go with it.
I hope you found this helpful. Next week’s article will be about neutral emotions, including how to bring ourselves into a centered, calm state. The week after, we’ll talk about building positive emotions.
Thank you for being on this journey with me as we create the conditions to flourish in our lives.