Relationships – When they fall apart and how to come together

I knew I would write about relationships when I started the Flourish 52 project. Positive relationships are the third pillar in the PERMA(H) model we’ve been talking about.

The problem is a lot of what I thought I knew about relationships has been shaken in the last year or so.

There’s the strain that covid put on many relationships, but that was just part of the shaking that’s happened in my life.

A bit over a year ago, we realized that our oldest daughter was in an abusive marriage. Her now ex-husband is alcoholic and narcissistic. We helped pull her from that situation and she’s now divorced and doing well.

That wasn’t something we ever saw happening in our family.

Just as our daughter’s divorce was finalized, our oldest son’s wife told him she was moving out. Kind of out of the blue and with no real reason given. They are also now divorced.

Again, not something we thought would happen.

Although both divorces are now final, there are still difficult details that both of my kids are wrapping up. And of course, both of them and the whole family is still processing what happened.

But now that we’ve moved through most of it, I can say that as a family, we’ve come out stronger on the other side. We’re closer and more open with each other.

Here are some things that I learned that are specific to going through a difficult time as a family.

Acknowledge you don’t know how to do this

I told my kids that I don’t know the right answers, I don’t know how to do this either. I think that took pressure off all of us and it acknowledged the truth that we’re all dealing with a new situation and muddling through as best we could.

Lean in

Have the hard conversations and ask the hard questions. I tried to be open myself and tried to listen.

Be there

I made myself available for phone calls and visits and talks and cries and just being a place for them to rest and heal.

Check in

If I knew it was a hard day or there was a detail they needed to deal with or just hadn’t heard from them, I’d call to check in.

Try not to tell them what to do

This is hard sometimes. And sometimes I would listen and then respond with something like, “If I were your friend, I would say this….” Or “The mom part of me thinks this….” Then they could know where I was coming from.

Acknowledge that you’re struggling too

I would tell my kids openly what I was having a hard time with, not in a way to make it about me, but in order to let them know where I’m coming from and also to let them know that I’m wrestling too and these things are hard.

Encourage them to get therapy

I told them that they needed an impartial person who is trained in helping people sort things out. They needed someone they could trust who was not involved in the situation at all.

Get therapy for yourself

I did one month of Better Help. I was struggling a lot with the back-to-back relationship problems, how to get through the holidays, how things were going to go, how to move forward. In November I did four calls with Better Help. I was paired with the perfect therapist for me. I asked for an older woman who may have experience parenting older kids, empty nest etc. Her insight was very helpful to me.

Change things up as needed

The holidays in 2021 were HARD. The abuse became apparent during that time and the awful truth of it all was on display for the whole family on Christmas Day. As a result, none of us wanted to do things the way we usually do. For Christmas 2022 we rented a cabin in Gatlinburg, which was the perfect change of scenery. It helped take the pressure off so we could relax and be together.

I’m absolutely not an expert on relationships. I stumbled my way through these family situations, the same way that I stumble my way through any relationship.

That said, here are a few more relationship truths I’ve learned:

• Relationships are hard.
• Good relationships are worth the work.
• You can’t change other people.
• You can’t hope to understand others if you don’t understand yourself first.
• Sometimes, it really is best to leave behind a relationship and move on.
• Some friendships are for a season only. And that’s okay.
• Many people lost friends due to covid. Some of us also had family members turn on us.
• Following someone on social media does not count for staying in touch.
• Phone calls are better than texts. My sister and I have fallen into a habit of only communicating via text, but last week I called her and we had a lovely conversation.
• Make phone calls. Repeating this one for myself.
• After our daughter got out of the abusive marriage, we’ve heard from so many other women who have experienced similar things.
• There are warning signs of domestic abuse. 
• When things go badly in a relationship, there were probably red flags that were politely or blindly ignored leading up to the breaking point.
• If you think you may be dealing with a narcissist, watch a few videos from my favorite self-aware narcissist on YouTube. If his thoughts resonate, you’re probably dealing with a narcissist. (My opinion, not a diagnosis)
• If alcohol abuse is something you’re dealing with in a relationship (even if you’re not sure it’s true alcoholism), going to Al-Anon meetings can be a big help. My daughter only went to a couple meetings, but the support and info they gave was so helpful to her and to all of us.
• It’s worth the effort to seek out and meet new people.
• Don’t assume you know what the other person is thinking.
• If you need to have a hard conversation with someone, it’s best to go ahead and do it, instead of letting things fester.
• Be grateful for the good relationships you have and do the work to keep those relationships healthy.
• It’s good to have a standing time each week or so for the people closest to you. We play games with my parents on Friday nights. On Sundays, it’s family lunch for whoever can make it.
• You can think you have no expectations of a person or a situation, until they aren’t met. “Ah, there you are, expectations. I thought I got rid of you.”
• Endings can also be beginnings and those new beginnings can be celebrated.
• It’s normal to be angry when bad things happen, but we have to deal with that anger so that it doesn’t sear our own soul.
• We need each other.
• It’s been said that, “We’re all just walking each other home.” The people in your circle who love and care for each other in that way are treasures.

I hope there was something of value in my story and this list. If you have any words of wisdom on relationships, I’d love for you to share in the comments.