At the end of last year, I felt a real need for a reset. I’ve shared that the last couple of years were tough for my family and I’d felt knocked off center for myself.
One of the resources I decided to explore was the book The Desire Map by Danielle LaPorte.
I’d heard this book referenced by many people over the years, but avoided it because it felt kind of woo woo and maybe even a bit ridiculous.
However, I decided to give it a chance.
The main goal of the book is to help the reader come up with a list of desired feelings.
Again, my judgement of this activity was harsh. A list of desired feelings seemed obvious (everyone wants to feel good, right?), useless and maybe even misleading.
But I pressed on, journaling my way through the book over the course of several weeks.
By the end of the book, I’d assembled my list of desired feelings:
- Flexible
- Strong
- Creative
- Connected
- Open
- Generous
- Curious
- Centered
- Harmonious
- Tuned-in
My list contained more depth than I expected, but I didn’t really see how this was going to impact my actual life.
Four months later though, my list of desired feelings turned out to be very useful in navigating the ways our family is changing.
My list helped me move forward, adjust expectations and have a better attitude.
I found that I was able to go into situations that previously have proven quite stressful for me, but by using my list of desired feelings, I was able to navigate those situations and actually enjoy myself and see the forward movement my family as a whole and various members of my family are making.
The list helped me focus on wanting to feel open, generous and connected.
In order to feel those things I had to let go of worries about things that happened in the past and worries about what may happen in the future.
I needed to focus on the present moment, trying not to judge situations or people.
That led to realizing that some of the roles I’ve played in the past (and the expectations I put on myself to play those roles) are not required for me to play now.
What a freeing realization!
Had I not gone through the work of discovering my core desired feelings, I wouldn’t have been able to go into those situations with a new outlook.
Why it worked
First, desired feelings are different from emotions.
Emotions are universal. We all experience anger, joy, happiness, sadness etc. We’d all like to avoid the hard emotions and spend more time in the positive emotions.
We’ve talked about positive and negative emotions before.
The desired feelings list is different than emotions.
Instead, they are arrows pointing to the kind of person I want to be.
I want to be open and generous and connected. In order to do that I needed to change the way I approach and think about the circumstances and people in my life.
I needed to challenge some of the assumptions and judgements I make.
Going back to my list of desired feelings gave me some space to truly assess the situation and my reaction to it before I interacted with others.
Short cut to your own desired feelings list
I do recommend journaling your way through The Desire Map, but maybe that book isn’t for you.
Here are some short cut ideas that could prove useful to you:
- Think of a challenging situation or area of your life. This could be specific relationships, your work life or some other area.
- Make a list of how you’d like to feel in your challenging situation.
- Consider how you felt the last time you encountered that situation, then think of how you wish you could feel in those situations. For example, instead of guarded I want to feel open. Instead of reactive, I want to be firm in myself.
- What do you need to change about your approach to the situation in order to feel your desired feelings?
I hope these ideas are helpful to you. I’d love to know if you’ve tried anything similar and how it worked for you.